Half-Assed Mama: Saturday Night

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Saturday Night

On the corner, a gaggle of young men and women waits for the light. In 50 degree weather, four women are dressed identically, in shorts so short and tight and Lycra-ey they may as well be underwear, button down shirts that fail to cover the underwear, four-inch platform sandals. The weirdest part: I don't think they're in costume.

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TotBlog

7.16.14 "It's nice having a baby in the house."
7.14.14 I refer to Joel as his BFF. He corrects me. "BF. Just BF. Joel doesn't know about forever."
7.12.14 "I love even numbers. They're my favorite."
6.29.14 "It'd be cool if you had spring-loaded nipples. 'Shing!' Nurse the baby... while you're swimming... with your spring-loaded nipples..."
6.24.14 We're on an airplane, and I've traded minutes of screen time for minutes Penn spends scratching my back. He scratches Earth on my back. "You'll like this because it has music." Earth's lyrics: "Bubble bubble tu-tu, chicken airplane soldier... Bubble bubble tu-tu, chicken airplane soldier..."
6.18.14 "I'm making a mega-system. With boxes full of carbon dioxide. And stuff." (Etch-o-Sketching in Maine.)
6.10.14 An owl shows up on our back porch. "I just sort of wish it was carrying a present. Like in movies."
6.3.14 "I'm not a vegetarian. I just don't like meat."
6.2.14 A friend brings a whole roast chicken to us for dinner. "Whoa, that chicken is cool. That's exactly what a Lego chicken looks like."
4.30.14 (3 days post-partum) "When Mommy goes back to being Regular Mommy and she loses her fat belly, then will I be able to sleep in the big bed again?"
1.6.14 "Daddy gets recess." (Does research.)
1.5.14 He mistakes my pregnant belly button (which we call "the baby's nose") for my breast. "Sometimes a boob's nose gets a little fat, like the baby nose. But boobs are more waggle-y."
12.14.13 "When are we going to get to South America? I mean... Swim America?"
10.14.13 "Is this going to be one of those days I can only look at with one eye?"
7.10.13 "There's only one way to get rid of air." Um... breathe it? "Trap it in boxes."
6.15.13 "Sometimes your poop smells like cinnamon--sometimes like cinnamon, sometimes like jail cheese."
6.14.13 [Troy, musing aloud as we drive through Los Angeles] "There's barbed wire around that speed limit sign. What happens in LA?" [Penn speculates] "Your head gets broken?
6.2.13 "Can I put on this hat again? Then come outside and get cake?" Sure. "But first: I've gotta get out of control."
5.28.13 "I'm going to float out in space and EAT the WORLD!" And what do you suppose the world is going to taste like? "A peanut."
5.28.13 "You know what makes a skeleton even more freaky? A beard and long hair. Or a mustache."
5.6.13 (impromptu song) "We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver. And we get a cup of lime-ade. And then the kids set the hammock in the sea. And we rock-n-rock-n-rock-n... We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver!"
5.5.13 (chant, accompanied by a rhythmic back-massage for his mama) "Horse-radish, horse-radish! Horse-radish has a ponytail. Horse-radish has only one earring. Horse-radish has a cup of milk on the table. Horse-radish! Horse-radish! Horse-radish! (endless)
4.22.13 (to Troy & I) "You count as air."
4.14.13 "Dad, can you read somemore? It's funny. Read until your voice gets tired."
3.22.13 "I have super gecko vision."
3.16.13 (pulling a dripping Peep out of his hot chocolate) "Are there more of these dumplings?"
3.15.13 "I like turkey vultures. They are awesome."
3.14.13 "Mom. I'm allergic to car light."
3.7.13 "I have three questions. When can we have a baby? Can we plan to go to Dillon Beach? And... We're running out of toilet paper."
2.17.13 "What was the name of the first person? You told me once... I think it was Michael Jackson. What movies has Michael Jackson been in?"
2.11.13 "No one can live on Pluto. Well, Santa can. And Mrs. Claus."
1.29.13 "Here's a shoe! Here's a carrot! People!!!" Penn. You can't feed the Goat Ghost people. "We're cleaning up! And then we're going to play a game with the goat ghost. Goat ghost is fast." (Goat Ghost is Daddy.)
1.13.13 "Mommy, can you make this sound like a rockstar's guitar?"
1.10.13 "I'm going to be awarding you something! Because you're sick. It might be a small basket of kumquats, or... love... or a kiss... or snuggles."
1.7.13 Are you a sleepyhead today? "No. I'm just keeping Daddy company. 'Cuz he's by himself in here."
12.26.12 "Ho, ho, the baby toe, hung where you can not see. Somebody doesn't wait for you, is there one for me..."
12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."
12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."
12.19.12 Know what that is? "Small pox?"
12.8.12 "I just said a bad word." (beat) "Sorry, Santa."
12.4.12 "No apples." Can I use persimmons instead? "No fruit in soup."
12.3.12 "My owie was bleeding a little outside. We wrapped it in wet grass." Who did that? "Ruby. She said she was a doctor. I loved it."
11.20.12 While playing scattergories, "I hope I roll a P so I can put something inappropriate."
11.15.12 "I love you til the numbers run out."
10.7.12 (Watch out for the hot grill!) "I know! Mommy! Sparks flew out, but I survived!"
10.6.12 "When I grow up, I want to build the fastest car. Then I'm going to leave that job and be a scientist."
9.17.12 Want a cold muffin, or a warm muffin? (Pause.) "A corn pumpkin!"
9.16.12 "Mommy, I love you." (Pause.) "Sometimes I don't agree with you, but I still love you."
9.14.12 "The true thing is I cracked one of my pinky bones. I don't have to go to the emergency room, though. Maybe actually I didn't crack it."
9.11.12 "I love you. And I like the way you are."
9.8.12 "I'm trying to get Daddy to tell me about Indiana Jones." (Hmm. I know a thing or two about Indiana Jones...) What do you want to know? "About the dying and the fighting." (Sigh.)
9.4.12 (bursts into tears watching a Marzipan 'toon) "I want there to be arms! And fighting!" (clenches teeth, summons anger) "You are in big trouble! Sorry, stinkbomb!"
9.4.12 (yells from two rooms over) "I have a VAGINA!"
8.27.12 "Do we have to go to the dentist because of my rope burn?"
8.18.12 "Amy, are you going to speak a different language?" (When she moves to Philly.)
8.12.12 "After the Spice Girls, do the Spice Boys come out?" (Watching the London Olympics, closing ceremony)
8.10.12 "I'm done with volleyball."
8.3.12 Overheard by another parent: "I wasn't laughing at him... I was speaking in Norwegian. In Norwegian, laughing is explaining."
8.2.12 "I want to leave it in here. [The waterbottle, in his carseat.] For another voyage."
8.1.12 Why don't you wear your shorts? It's going to be about 100 degrees today. "Oh, I didn't know that. I thought it was only going to be two agrees."
7.20.12 "How does Santa Claus get into our house?" (Magic.) "So he just opens the door?... or uses The Force."
6.22.12 "Yay!! I just woke up with a big yay!" Why? "Norway!" (then) "Is there a bathroom on that plane?"
6.10.12 "Prantemis." His confident reply, upon being asked if he knows the name of the tiny Preying Mantis on Brie's arm.
6.8.12 "Tonight can you have a baby, please?"
6.3.12 "i love you the same as i love brown pillow. i love myself, i love you, and i love brown pillow. i love every of those things the same. well, i might love you one bit more than brown pillow."
6.2.12 "We have to take care of the world, so it doesn't turn gray."
5.28.12 (opens small glass jar, speaks to spider trapped inside) "I love you." (looks up at me) "I love him. He's my best friend."
5.20.12 "I love you forever. Even when you die."
5.13.12 "This is going to be good heaven." (upon nestling down on the couch with me, to cuddle and drink milk. Happy half-assed mother's day!)
5.7.12 (His pants are on backward; I motion for him take them off.) "You don't have to do that! You can just spin them around!" No you can't, you've got legs. "Oh yeah. Legs."
5.4.12 Overheard: (an explanation from my husband to Penn.) "Alright, yes. There probably is a way we can make a book that lives in the toilet for a while."
5.2.12 "I think Tatum and me are going to live in the same house. When we grow up. It'll have a basement, and an upstairs, and a garage next to the bottom. And an attic, so we can play in it." [All said with maximum delight.]
4.23.12 "Mommy, can I get a little darker skin on me? From outside?"
4.21.12 "Who is the New Yorker? Is the New Yorker a vampire?"
4.18.12 Yesterday, Penn was taking sign-ups for Dragon Lessons. I know this because his friend Tatum is an excellent reporter. What do Dragon Lessons entail? Tatum doesn't know, but she signed up anyway.
4.10.12 Maybe we should clean up a little tomorrow. "Yeah, let's clean up for the thunderstorm. And eat good food. And not touch metal."
4.8.12 (Easter Sunday) "I accidentally ate some more candy. But don't worry, I didn't get diabetes."
4.5.12 (We are discussing how Penn might behave as a big brother.) Remember how Luke feels about Leia? "And how Luke feels about Lando?"
4.2.12 Troy says no. Penn says "Why don't you consider it?"
3.20.12 "Sauerkraut yum!!!!"
3.14.12 Troy mentions his crutches. "Those are called pogo sticks."
3.13.12 "Dad, did you break your leg?" No, just a bone in my foot. This is a splint. "Do you have a fake leg?"
3.5.12 "I love you way too much." (Usually he wakes up with an I-love-you-Mommy, and he frequently says I-love-you-too-much. Why this morning was different, I'll never know.)
12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."
12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."

ToddlerBlog

3.4.12 "Can it be hot and cold?" You mean warm. "No. I want it to be snug. Like a bed." (The bathwater.)
3.1.12 **guest-blogger Miss N, now 4 yrs** (loud whisper from carseat, whilst driving past graveyard) "Where are you, dead people?"
2.29.12 (tshirt wrapped around his neck) "Do I look like Bib Fortuna?"
2.21.12 "You are such a... person who is a toilet."
2.19.12 My husband mutters, picking up objects from the floor: "Sticks. I'm gonna blame that on your genes." Our child fills every pocket with wood chips and stones. Laundry is potpurri. The hoarding is strong within him.
2.18.12 "Eyeball swap!!!! Nevermind. Swap BUTTS."
2.7.12 "Who can be my husband?" Anyone you like, sweetheart. "What if I can't find them?" [Ah. Well.] Then you look for your person, and that person will find you. #thankyou9thcircuitcourtofappeals
2.3.12 Penn. Take a bit of this c̶a̶u̶l̶i̶f̶l̶o̶w̶e̶r̶ tree. Now take a breath while you are eating. What does it taste like? Doesn't it taste like CHEESE? "It tastes like I'm eating a giraffe."
2.3.12 "Double guns actually make you die quicker."
1.31.12 "This will be fancy cool... Toothbutter, you will not come out! ... six pieces of tooth powder... arr, pirates." [post-Star Wars chatter]
1.29.12 "Mom, you're intering me UP!" (silent t)
1.14.12 "Mom, you stink like BUNNIES!"
1.12.12 "Mommy, can we please go to ToiletLand? Noah knows how to get there!" (Troy) Are you sure it's not maybe called ToyLand, or something? "No--TOILETLand!"
1.6.12 "Ick-sgusting! That's icksgusting."
1.5.12 Penn: "Do ships from star wars have yellow pieces?" Me: "I don't know. Is that a metaphor?" Penn: "Do metaphors have yellow pieces?" Me: "Yes. They do."
1.1.12 (stage whisper, delivered directly and hotly into my ear) "Mommy. I'll be your best friend if you slice your computer in half."
1.1.12 "Remember when Mommy went to Egg-lanta, and we took a plane ride that was very a short trip home?"
12.25.11 "What are these called? Gobstoppers? Oh, that's a beautiful name!"
12.23.11 "Know what I think we're going to get for Christmas? An UPSTAIRS. Well, not an upstairs, a renovation."
12.21.11 "I can't wait to be a grownup." Why? You don't like being a little kid? "I want everyone to be the same age at the same time and the same size."
12.14.11 (middle of the night) "Mommy. Can I ask you if werewolves are real." Sure honey. They are not real. "Can you blow this dream out of my head?" Sure. *blows on forehead* "In my dream, it was the night before Thanksgiving. There were werewolves coming! And there were these guys, with plenty of eyeballs. One of the werewolves, it tried to bite me. But instead it ate one of the guys with plenty of eyeballs."
12.3.11 "Oh, beautiful! A little rug!" (holds up a bracelet made of seed beads) "Oooooh." (lipgloss) "Mmm! Smells like lavender!" (a tin of ResQ ointment) "Mom. Why do you have THAT in your toi-le-try bag?" (permanent marker, then--) "Oh, floss! Monster floss."
12.8.11 (while putting up ornaments of the toy and whimsical variety) What's in that clock, Penn? "Oh, a mouse. But it's sleeping. We should leave it alone."
11.15.11 "How do you make egg nog?" Well, you take eggs, and separate them... "First you take egg." Uh-huh. Then you take-- "Then you take nog!" [Sadly, the recipe ended there, as parents died of laughter.]
11.11.11 "Dad. Would C3P0 get mad if you called him 'C Pee-Pee 0'?"
11.9.11 "Dad, are you up for a baby?" [no was the long and short of it.]
11.2.11 "I had a dream I was a leaf-blower, walking by itself. And blowing leaves! And I had an ear mask. I imagined it."
10.13.11 Whilst playing lego in the other room: "Aw, SHITE."
10.8.11 "Diaper. DIAPER! Diaper. I want a diaper." You want to wear a diaper? "Yes. I love diapers." When was the last time you wore a diaper? When you were three? (Pause.) "Beware. BeWARE of yourself!!!"
10.8.11 "This is beautiful..." (carefully removes the melted-plastic-popcorn witch from our window)
10.7.11 (gesturing to Little Girl) "Mom, she's gonna have a sleepover. At our house. For five days."
10.7.11 Little Girl: Wanna come with me? I'm going to wash my hands. Penn: No. I wanna go home with you. Little Girl: Well, you could try...
10.3.11 Looking at a picture of Ronald Regan and a golden retriever. "Did that dog get a sleep shot?"
9.25.11 [Hits my tummy.] "I like your tummy."
9.13.11 "Dad, can you and Mom make another baby?" Dad: I'll think about it. "But do you still have baby seeds?" Dad: [stifles laugh] Yes. Me: We're talking about it. "But... you're not talking about it. I don't hear baby language!"
9.2.11 "Star Trooper and Darth Vader are camping, and they have to shoot a bear."
8.26.11 "There were midwives helping me come out?" Yup, four years ago today. "What were their names?" One was Jennifer, and another was... hm. "Totoro?"
8.25.11 "Mom." (puts hand over my mouth) "A dog band." You mean a muzzle? "Yes. A dog muscle." (Hand still pressed to my mouth.) That's not very nice. "But you laughed. So it's funny, right?"
8.15.11 "I had a dream last night where Tatum made a yodel and light bulbs came out."
7.28.11 "Sometimes, poops take a long time. That's because they're getting dressed."
7.27.11 "Today, we learned about sea turtles. They're actually called fire turtles. They have a bucket in their chests that they can fill up with water and put out fires. They are fire turtles. Don't tell anyone."
7.26.11 "Mommy, where are my seeds?" .... "How do they come out?" .... "Why?" .... "Does it hurt?" ... "Do they make vegetables?" ... "How do they get in the uterus?"
7.24.11 "Mom, I wish we would have that so small kitten."
7.23.11 After babysitting, MD reported the following: Cracks in the road are caused by volcanoes. Captain Penn once stood in a volcano, but he was wearing his safety clothes - from Target.
7.12.11 "So, Mom. If you want a vagina or new knees, you go to the doctor, and they cut your knee off and glue on a new one. I'm serious, Mom."
7.12.11 "I wanna watch the Pirates movie--not the Care-a-beam Pirates. The Pirates of baseball."
7.9.11 "We're just going-it to the back yard right now."
7.8.11 "One time, I took too much [toothpaste]. ONLY on PURPOSE."
7.8.11 "When I'm a big guy, I want you to hold me. I want you to hold me forever."
7.1.11 "I steal things! Because I am a serious animal."
6.15.11 "I painted inside my eyes." "Not quite yet-- I want to dry these shells in the lovely air." "Oh, Mom! Look--I found something lovely!" (holds up a clump of mud with a mussel inside a half-clam.)
6.14.11 Yes, Penn? What did you want to say? "I lost it in my head."
6.13.11 "Whoa! That's hogantic!"
6.11.11 "We don't even want jelly babies right now. Right? We don't even want them. Right now. I don't even want jelly babies right now."
6.4.11 "Before Mommy dies, let's get a new baby. From Daddy's belly."
5.28.11 "I ate all of you. Only left is little bones."
5.24.11 "If there were a giant monster inside, and he needed an orange cape, then I think it might be Batman. And he'll knock on the door, and if we don't answer, he'll think we're doing something private."
5.14.11 "I wanna see the purple-ution." [Multi-purpose solution.]
5.14.11 "That's Seattle. Mom, did you know there is a restaurant up there? Poker. Space Poker." [Space needle.]
5.14.11 "I want to listen to your heart beast... oh! It hears a marching band!"
5.9.11 "I think the moon is drinking wine. I'm the sun... drinking marmalade."
5.8.11 Don't you want to wash that strawberry? "No--I'm ok with eating dirt and bugs."
4.23.11 "We're gonna go outside, and CUT stuff. Dad! Could you use the giant, big, ho-normous shears?"
4.6.11 "I forgot! I plum forgot. Peanut butter focking."
3.31.11 "I shoot you with a snail gun." Troy: Penn! Can you say something nice to Uncle Denis? "Firetrucks." Troy: Can you say something nice ABOUT Denis? "Once upon a time, Denis was a princess."
3.22.11 Why do we need to be gentle with Mommy? "Because. She's made of plastic. Her eyeballs are plastic."
3.17.11 Me: I'm gonna crush you in a cuddle. Penn: "I'm gonna push you in the buttle!"
3.18.11 "I peed in Mom's eyeball before..." Is that true? "It's just a joke!" [Unspoken "sheesh."]
3.16.11 "Corned beef and caterpillars?!?" and "Pink is *very* my best favorite!" [Unrelated, but uncanny...]
3.8.11 "Fire Mango! I think that's a kind of dog that I have. If you say his name in Spanish, it's bagel-letter."
3.4.11 (sings) "It's a good day in the neighborhood, a good day with the neighbor. I love you, you're the best. Hello, Neighbor!"
2.24.11 "Did you know, this carrot tastes like lemon? And this carrot tastes like orange. This carrot... oh, yeah. *This* carrot tastes like blueberry and lemon!"
2.24.11 "I'm going to bring one home for me, and one home for my husband."
2.19.11 Regarding a Sidecar (a classic cocktail): "I had one, once, that wasn't sour. It had tomato juice. And oranges. Oh, and kumquats. And it wasn't sour."
2.13.11 "I'm a brother." Really? Who's your sibling? "All toddlers are brothers."
2.12.11 "The kale and beans is my favorite!"
2.10.11 "I wish we had a lot of bathrooms. And a fire pole. I wish we lived in a fire station. Oh. This *is* a fire station."
1.28.11 **introducting guest-blogger, Miss N (3 yrs)** "Once upon a time there was a spiderman and her name was Sonya. She shot fire out! She met with a robot and they were furious. Then tinkerbell came and saved the robot. Then sleeping beauty came and told them she loved them. Then snow white came and saved spiderman. Then cinderella came and I don't know what she did. The end."
1.23.11 Penn wants donuts, which I've never made. "Oh, I know how to make them. Butter. And brown sugar. And... flour. And... you have to play with the dough."
1.17.11 "I'm not feeling very good, but I can still drink milk. I'm going to be alive for the rest of the day."
1.15.11 "I think I would like a baby, and a sister." And how are you going to get a baby and a sister? "You're going to make them!" Pause. "But how does the cord get in there?"
1.10.11 Home from preschool, Penn spies a coloring sheet I set out for him. "Daddy, Santa came!"
1.5.11 Penn has a friend who has a pterodactyl. Sometimes, this pterodactyl gets sad. And meows.
12.24 After dessert, Penn is given three pieces of candy (which he must wait to eat): "I think this is cranberry" [it's a lozenge], "this is brownie" [it's a tootsie roll], "and this one is... soft cream." [It's a hershey's kiss.]
12.16.10 "There is a snowman, and where his sticks used to be, some new arms come out, and they are robot arms! [makes robot arm gestures] And then a camera comes out of his eyes... and numbers!"
12.3.10 (Listening to Sufjan Stevens' version of 'O Come, O Come Emmanuel') "But why are they saying Free Choice, Free Choice, Free Choice?"
11.26.10 "I'm hot." Takes off shirt. "I'm hot, Daddy!" Points to chest. "Touch the flame."
12.1.10 "Do you know what is Columbus? Columbus is a city where you visit your Grandma. And Denis. And you go up, up, up... and you look down, and there are toys."
11.18.10 "Let's hide!" (hiding under blankets) "Mommy. Don't be sad of the dark. It's only dark from space."
11.15.10 "But I want to have a baby in my belly." Well, only people born with uteruses can make babies in their bellies. "I want a vagina." Well, you can have a vagina when you're an adult, if you like. (Additional conversation about surgeries and the costs of getting a vagina.) "I want to have surgery so I can have a vagina."
11.13.10 "I went to the duck store. There was a monster, and he tried to kill me. But... he put lettuce on me! Then turned me into a butterfly."