Sunday, December 1, 2013

California Stars

Homesick all weekend. I've sat here for almost an hour now, trying to write about that, but the words won't come. I've felt in limbo since I got here, and such a non-place seems to defy description. Things aren't bad here at all--I love my job, my students, the many friends I was too far from for years. But now there are people (and dogs) on the other side of the country, and I can't really think about that distance too deeply, because I need to be able to function.
 

And there's the place itself, that other side. Maybe we only ever really find our place in the place where we find ourselves, whenever and however that happens. Maybe it would have happened here if I'd stayed. But I left before something in me was fully formed, and something about California helped me grow, expand, free myself.

All of this has been spinning around in my head. And then I heard this song tonight while I was driving, and suddenly I was on a cliff along Route 1, a damp, freezing wind blowing in hard from the Pacific, the scent of the ocean mixing with eucalyptus and coastal sage. And off to my left in the darkness there's a halo of light hovering over San Francisco, but it's nowhere near close enough to interfere with the millions and millions of stars in the perfect night sky.



6 comments:

  1. wow. You put it in an exact sentence: "maybe we only find our place in the place where we find ourselves." I've been wondering and thinking about that for years and yet never quite put in in words... the closest I got was something about the place where one has their "adult formative years." yikes, no... its finding yourself... but shouldn't one be able to... you know, still move? Me in California misses you, too.

    Andrea

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    1. I think one can still move--it's easier for some of us than for others, I guess. I find change difficult at the best of times! I guess I'm just still puzzling through how best to structure my life to allow for my need for place.

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    2. Yes this is a conversation we should have - especially if you get some ideas on how to do that structuring,

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  2. AND that description of the CA coast is pretty spectacular, too.

    (And sorry about my typos & punctuation errors above, I am "hurrying" to leave for work. In as much as checking a few blogs can count as getting ready to leave for work. But the kids left before me so I am footloose & fancy free or fingerloose.)

    Andrea

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    1. I just love you and miss you so. So many un-had conversations between us. Someday, my sweet friend! xoxo

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  3. I was going to quote the same line as Andrea. I feel like maybe this act of being consistently inconsistent with my life, my thoughts, what ground my feet are on have something to do with not giving myself time to do what it is I need to. Not marinating in the life around me so that I can make my way to the place and person I need or want to be. I am coming to terms with the "staying" aspect, "settling down" and not in terms of people. Just me. Me and my feet.

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